Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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