I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
