I am puke
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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