This is not my ceiling
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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