Dude my mom stole all your condoms
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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