I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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