My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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