the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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