Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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