I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
He felt like a one man threesome
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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