i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
sarcasm needs its own font
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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