I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize