Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
