we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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