I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
