Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
