I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
