just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
