I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
