just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
