it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
