I can text with my tongue
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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