First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
