Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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