some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
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