I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
