a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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