dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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