WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
