i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
