i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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