You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
