Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
