So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
