I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
