Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
