I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
