just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
