i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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