the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Your dad touched me again.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
