hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
