Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I wish they made helmets for livers.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Randomize
