I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
