This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
