4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
