dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Randomize
