I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
