this beer tastes like vomit already
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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