I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize