my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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