Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
