I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
