Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Can't talk, ducks in the car
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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